Selamat Hari Raya!

And yesh, I'm going to bitch again. This time, in english.

I declare this whatthefuck 'festival' as the miserable holiday of all holidays. Right now I'm in this study room blogging secretly while the vacuum cleaner is blaring outside(because some stupid kid just broke some glass. AND FUCK YES, the 3rd fucking glass in the fucking history of fucking ever that the same fucktard broke.)

Alhamdulillah puasa is over, I can swear my fucking guts out.

I've never looked forward to this day. It's so miserable, there's no point anticipating it. It's just the start of 'eating normally' again, nothing more.

Know what the day starts of with? Okay well, I'm exhausted, and tired and starved because I only ate a prata for breakfast the previous day, plus, the business econs thing I learnt on monday night is still swirling in my head, screaming, 'equilbrium! quantity demand! shift in curve! get it in your bloody head!' So well, my dad comes in and yells at us to wake up (and I mean, yes, literally YELL rudely.) And I have to drag myself downstairs and queue up for the toilet, while EVERYONE else is sleeping so soundly and their mums and dads don't scream at them. Fucking argh! I'm just standing there seeing how unfair everything is, and compare how my parents treat me and how my aunts and uncles treat their children. Okay fine! Yell all you want, wake everyone up, I don't care. It's finally getting too tired to bother about anything. I'm going to die one day, and it's going to end, so no fucking biggie. We were born to die anyway.

And then yes, after that all we do is sit around waiting for god knows what, and go to the mosque, while everyone else leaves me alone to find my pathetic slipper and I ended up running down the road to catch up with them. And then the mosque people were being so discriminating and gave women the space with no aircon or fan. We're sweltering under our telekongs while the men get the aircon. Then we go home, do nothing, just listen to the adults talk. And all they do is gossip. Wah lao, even if puasa is over, gossiping is still a sin, and is not very nice.

So there's this tradition that we're suppose to ask for forgiveness on Hari Raya, and I find it dreadful. Most of the time I have nothing to say. If I could, I would've said, 'I forgive you for making me hate myself and making me believe I have no use for this world. Forgive me for not being possibly the best human ever. Probably I'm not poor enough to get your sympathy, and probably I'm just too ugly to be looked at. Kthxbye.'

God, I'm so emo.

And then holy fuck, mum goes and give her favorite niece 50 dollars. And helling fucking shitty asshole bloody farkkkk, that's like what she gives us. Oh yeah, if I point that out, she'll ask me to shut up. Man, fucking shit. I just hate it. She actually loves them more than her children even if they don't do anything but sit around with the aircon on 24 hours and doesn't wash plates, or anything. And I slave around most of the time, and I remember having to wash their bloody plates and they ate like 10 times a day, and they're of my age. WTF. And my mum complains of not having enough money, and shit, and my hospital bills are unpaid so the hospital is like demanding us to pay up.

And then mum sleeps, my dad goes watch tv, and everyone stones in front of the tv with this grumpy mood. It's just miserable. So I went upstairs to read a book and just think how miserable this fucking day is.

My cousins are just so anti social, I don't know what to do anymore.

So after that usually in the evening, we finally head back to Singapore, to visit my aunts house. My grandfather is gone for 2 years now, it's sad without him. And there, people interrogate me non stop, just because I'm too stupid to get myself into JC, like it's a big deal.

Go home around 7, and mum rushes to cook some stuff, and she vents her stress on us by shouting. People come, this house become infested with naughty children, glass breaks here and there, pervertic comments from 8 year old boys, the Barbies get raped, and shit happens. So here I am, thinking this post is rather immature.

But fuck who cares. I'm just so tired and emo. So deal.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Maaf Zahir & Batin.