I wasn't alive this morning. I'm not alive now.

GRAHHHH, Ana please wake up. I hate feeling like this.

My thoughts are scattered. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I'm out of my body, I can't see myself, I can't feel anything. I'm not sad or happy, excited or vibrant. This is not my voice. This is not my face. I'm not typing. I'm somewhere in the dungeons below. I need to get out.

And then, so I thought school would do some good for me. I wish it would, in time. I hate loneliness. I hate this coldness. I hate having nothing to smile about.

For godsakes, I need to stop being angsty. I'm okay, I'm all right. I'm going to be okay. This is only for a while. Tommorow it would be different. I hope.

Damn, fasting is boring. Funny, it coming from me, seeing the crash diets I've been through, and the night binges that makes me feel so shitty about myself. Hell, I don't know anymore. Suddenly half a plate of carbohydrates seems to be deadly. I want an apple, or a pear, some fruit. GAH.

I had only one lesson today, and how freaking lame is that? And because I needed to give someone some stuff, I had 2 hours free. I went to HMV, and bought, yes, Iron Maiden's 'Matter of Life and Death.'Oh goddamnit, it's good. Not fantastic, but good. Though I wish the lyrics could be more sinister. Well actually, it's a little bit boring. I felt like going to sleep towards the end. Maybe I'm just tired, or it's just boring. The same tunes over and over again. But it's not that, that bothers me. I had hoped it would be more sinister. But it was about hell and death and yadayadayada, what you'd expect in most metal bands really. 'The Nomad' from Brave New World is still the best, and wins hands down. This album still has got to win my heart. Damn, I sound so 'woman-ly', I know. PMS maybe. But yeah, I like taking risks, that's why I just bought it. Worth it though, good stuff.

I wish I had money to get Metallica or Marilyn Manson. Because they're so awesome and I'm so lame that I don't actually own any of their albums. Shoot me.

I have to go buy yong tau fu now. Mum said so.
I hate this entry. It's boring and going nowhere.


First day of the new semester is total bollocks.

Classes start at 8 and end at 5. And almost a year since I last touched my amaths, it has come to haunt me again. I want to escape from maths. And why oh why the fuck am I in engineering? I don't know, perhaps I'm so like my father.

Boring. Only one word to describe my fucking life right now. I'm tired of dealing with the same people. With classmates that don't even utter a single word to you as if you've got some fucking disease; hell what the fuck is everyone's problem? I don't see other classes being like that. I hate being an outcast; and everyone else seem to be having some kind of an inside joke that I can't be involved in. Come on man, I'm as informal in conversations as everyone else. I don't have to grow a beard and have a dick to fit in right?

BLAHHHHHHH.

Then again, I think I'm the fucking disease.
Because I'm so fat.

And hey, CCA drive is a chance to change the way life's been going. Meetings, trainings, or whatever the hell you call it -can get your mind off boredom and loneliness. I think. I hope. I'm not worth it. Not worth joining this or that; I deserve to rot and imprisoned because I don't have a life.

'I want to join this.'
No, you're too heavy. Fat bastard.

Stupid voice. Stupid esteem. Fucking go away.

I want to join rockclimbing (I know, fucking fat dreams that will never come true.) but seeing the dudes there got me very depressed. Come on man, I'm an obvious contrast. FAT and SHORT versus HUNK and FIT.
No way can I fit inside there. I guess a vision will remain a vision. Fat bastard.

I don't fit in anywhere. Even in the coolest clubs ever or the nerdy ones.
Exiled. Man, I'm so fucked up. Emotionally dependent; always needing someone to accompany me.

Fuck you Ana.

If I wasn't like this my life would be different.


Something happened to my favourite chair. I think it just died. Gah, now I'm using my sis' stupid chair which is probably one metre shorter. Depressing.

I don't know why, but I feel inclined to blog almost everyday. Nothing better to do muchly? Probably so. It's worse that there is actually nothing interesting to write about except the continuous droning of my monotonous life. I wish I was a kid. At least a trip to the playground could be something worth writing about.

My hand is itching to write. No, I won't let it. I don't want to write up new plots and new scenarios and end up not completing them thus making my life more depressing. Instead I took up a colour pencil and continued on my faery. For two hours, I drew some designs and coloured in a butterfly. I'm impressed with it. I wish I could work faster as I tend to stop after colouring one thing. I can't do more in a day. It's quality versus quantity. So I was doing my art while listening to Il Divo. I think one song made me sob and I sat there and stared at my work. I do love this, I love making art, colouring, drawing. I can love this more. Even without people looking at or appreciating what I've done. I can love this more. I need not do it for people. I don't have to respond when people ask me, 'so when are you putting anything new up?' Art is poetry. Without inspiration and vision, it's just rubbish. So there you go, my a-ha moment. No use stomping my feet and throwing fits or complaining that no one gives a shit about me. Truth is, no one gives a shit, and I can't do anything about it. If I love what I do, then nothing else matters.

And point taken, I'm not making any fucking sense.

Shush, no bad words now that Ramadhan is here. I kinda feel guilty for listening to rubbish music the whole night instead of going terawikh(sp?). I haven't been a religious person(apart from this tudung, no, there's actually nothing so religious about me.) I don't do anything extra, like solat sunat or anything, and I'm forced to ngaji(hahahaha.) Well, and another confession is that my parents forced me into the tudung when I was primary 5. Tak ikhlas initially, but I guess you get used to it. If you can't beat them, then join them. Haha, I guess I'm more okay right now. Religious muchly, I hope.

So Ramadhan resolution?
Be a better muslim? Like duh, everyone wishes that. Easier said than done, but I'll try. Try not to debate religion a bit. (Parents getting intorelant of my outspoken-ness already.)

And, Ramadhan is also a chance for an extreme diet. Like what I did last year. Will improve and work more to see better results. Haha.

Grahh, my middle finger hurts. I'm shitless about why it hurts. Probably a punishment from god. No middle finger= decrease in rude gestures. Won't work though, because I'm a fairly nice person, and middle finger is rarely in use. Damn it, could be the cheap shampoo that's doing funny things to my hands.

Falloutboy sucks.
Random thought.

My sister is insane. She went Ako Mustapha ga-ga. No really, I think she went into the i-love-boys mode. Ranging from some boy on friendster to Richard Gere. Yesterday she didn't want to watch 'Girl, Interrupted' because there were no hot men in it. Sheesh. Well, you know, girls in a single sex school are mostly desperate. (I swear I was never desperate, and am not still!) She came up with an impressive theory about why I've been feeling a certain way the past few days.

I guess it's true. You suddenly feel someone's treating you that way, because you have taken a slight interest in that someone. It's just normal, how that someone treats you. You wish it could've been more. And blah, blah, all that what she said. I can't remember. Ask the prof.

Haha. My heart lies with Johnny Depp. (WTH. Okay to dream right?)

I think my insomnia is coming back.
=[

Time to listen to lagu raya. I want to play bunga api.


I guess it's pathetic to wait for something extraordinary to happen to your day rather than making everyday extraordinary.

And why is the internet getting ridiculously boring?

Haha I woke up with a big scare. Being a nonchalant lazy bum, I woke up around 10am and went for the teevee(yes, this is how tv is spelt, according to mr weasley. i'm a nerd, so shoot me) straightaway. My 5 year old sister was colouring blissfully at the coffee table, and I noticed this cut-out butterfly stuck in this nips chocolate jar. So okay, it should be from a cereal box or something, because it looked incredibly cardboardish. So I ignored it and sat near the funny cut-out butterfly. Watched teevee, and there stood my other 11 year old sister, staring at the nips jar. And she said, 'Do you know that that butterfly is real?'

'No kidding.'

'I saw it move.'

*stares* 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' *runs far far away from jar*

Oh my god, who brought in the blasted butterfly?! It was humungous. HUGE. Fucking GIANT. And my freak 5 sister was just colouring beside it and adoring it. I freaked out and screamed again.

(YES, I'M INSANELY TERRIFIED OF BUTTERFLIES.)

The maid rushed in and said she caught it. Poor butterthing. I told my lil sis and her to set it free because, 'I believe in the freedom of animals.' So they went out, and opened the jar and it flapped its wings for about a few seconds and went back into the corridor. By then the maid and my sis were screaming and I fucking ran into my room. Freaky. Butterthings are freaks of nature. I like them dead. I have a collection of dead butterflies on my wall.

It landed on corridor floor. Oh my god, I thought it was dying, for it refused to move anywhere. My maid swept it away and it fluttered again and we all screamed.

EWWW it laid eggs inside the chocolate jar! HUGE OOZING RED HUMUNGOUS EGGS! Fuck, that's nasty. The thought of them turning into caterpillars just freaked me out. So my maid threw them out of the window, hoping that the wind would carry and blow them to a safe home(hahahahaha.)

I took a picture(FROM FAR) because you don't get to see a GIANT RED butterfly everyday in your life.


Not cropped just to show you how big it is. VERY BIG. Pixelated like hell because I zoomed in like hell.

Because of that my maid said it would look nicer on the plant. And my dad loves bird nest ferns so we have this giant fern in front of our house. Lol, she put it on the plant(a thousand screams later.) It was so fucking near so my 5 year old sis took this shot.


Ugly border. Just to spice it up a bit. Haha, curves also.

I took the next one. Woohoo, go me.


And then I told them to go put it back on the ground cause it would lay more eggs and caterpillars would start attacking dad's plant. So she pulled it off and it fluttered and landed on her shirt and both of them were screaming(haha, by this time I was in my room, peeking through a crack through the door.)

Eventually and finally(phew!) it flew up to god knows where.

I think it went back and laid eggs all over the place! On the window! EW. Prostitute butterfly la. Its eggs were everywhere. On the window, behind the shoerack, on the door mat, everywhere. YUCK. We totally killed them. Hell no way would I want gazillion caterpillars crawling all over the place. Damn it woman, she's clever. I think she knows birds don't come to our place so all her children would survive and eat all our plants.

Ah well, the butterfly situation is over now. Well, at least something exciting happened to my day, eventhough it's childish as hell.

I'm heartbroken. Shush.


OMG. OMFG.
OH MY GOOD LORD WTF.

Why are these 14 year old girls adding me on Myspace? I don't even know 1/2 of the people on my myspace f-list anymore. That is why I avoid it as much as I can.

And these kids give me comments(which I've deleted) like, 'OMGZZZZ ANA, Stay thin <33333.'

Oh from one fan:
"thanx ana ur my idol u have given the support to go on nn lose more n more wieght i have just reached my goal weight 47 n im onna kepp goin till i reach perfection"

WHAT THE HELL.

My name is Ana, well, that is what people call me. You know the 'Ana' from Rafh(ana).
They mistake me for being a myspace for a disease. You know, ANOREXIA. The short form of Anorexia is 'ANA'. And they think I am ANA. GRAH, you know myspace groups like, 'ryan star fans' etc, and so they think I'm ANA. WTH.

My profile is so clear.

"My name is Ana. It really is Ana, and it's not the short term of anorexia. I mean fucking seriously, I am not pro-ana or pro-ed, so please stop asking me to stay thin. I'm actually trying to recover and run away from the world of shitness, so really, don't make me feel bad and encourage me to develop anorexia. It's even worse that I'm not anorexic, so I don't starve, I'm not thin, and I still menstruate. So all clear now? Do I actually have to give you a diag-nonsense to be really cool and accepted to the pro-ed tribe? "

WTH. WTF. AHHH stupid people piss me off. WTH, children, grow up please.


I need to stop swearing. It's only 10.57 and I think from 8.30 until now I've said grrr, infinity swear words? My tongue is so going to be cut off, and I'm going to suffer severe dementia when I reach 40(I hope not.)

Grah, need to stop.

Relationship with mum = no good.

She's not talking to me. She speaks to me like a third person. And I find my affection towards her quite appaling. No, it's not good. I wish I understood her more. Yesterday she threw a mad fit and went throwing stuff around. Wth. Come on, be more adult. She loves my 5 year old sis too much, I guess. My sis got one of her fingers burnt because children are stupid and they like to touch hot iron. Lol. Mum got really angry at our maid and threw a tantrum big time. Cruel. My father was out so yeah, I guess she felt 'happier' screaming at people and throwing things around. I'm so mean, I know. When I talk to my sister about her, I refer to her as, 'your mother.' I know, I'm an ungrateful brat, a fucking asshole, yadayadayada, whatever. My whole life I've never actually liked her as much as my other sisters did.

Once I thought if they filed for a divorce and I wanted to stay with my dad.

I'm just so fucking weird, I know.

And why do I keep having weird dreams about being forced to join some kind of satanic army to murder our parents? Hahaha, hilariously weird when you think about it, but really scary when you're actually in that dream. And the world was ending, so it was more wickedly horrifying.

I google myself regularly.



Don't know why. I'm just weird like that.


Boredom drives me crazy. I'm fasting, so no f-words here. AHHH, I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored. I have absolutely nothing to do. I can't write because I'm not inspired. Can't work on that coloured portrait because he is disproportionate. Can't read because there are no good stuff to read, and all I have is The Hours and it's american(I hate american writers with a passion.) I can't eat my wonderful supply of chocolates in the fridge because I'm fasting and also trying to lose weight. No one is on msn, and even if anyone is, I have no guts to start a conversation. Internet is out of the to-do list because it's getting boring and I don't know where else to go.

I'm out of options, and things to do.

Gah.

-

I went to watch Gigolo Wannabe with Mahera and Zakiyyah yesterday. It was not bad and hilarious too.

"I think I'm going to come."

Hahahahahahaha.

Damn, and there's this hot actor who plays Naoto. He is so gorgeous. Damn bloody mofo-ing gorgeous.

Ending sucked though.


When I go out, this is what I do:

I say only 2 words, "Anything ah." Just because I'm afraid to make decisions. And then I talk about life (because there are no elements to my life that are more interesting.) I'm a very good girl. I know my boundaries, and I'm afraid of crowds. I'm afraid of buat-ing dosa. Haha. Then I get home as soon as possible.

I think my mum thinks this is what I do:

Buka tudung!
And err, I go get a tattoo on my right butt. Shave both sides of my head and leave some kind of a punk hairstyle. I hang around lots and lots of boys(which in any case, I don't even have guy friends. wth.) And then I smoke pot and drink lots and lots of alcohol. Then I walk around wildly and hit random people. And listen to blackmetal and worship satan. I go home VERY VERY LATE like at 9pm. (LOL here.) I go home, be rude to my parents, break the vases and china. Throw a tantrum, break some furniture, listen to Marilyn Manson and eat alcoholic chocolates. Pass out, go to bed.

Nyahahahahaha. I think I have an interesting fantasy life.

Mum, don't worry so much okay. I'm a really really really good girl.

I think I need a one to one session with her. Her perception of my social life is ridiculous. For godsakes, I do not even possess a social life.


I'm addicted to 'Psycho Killer'. Very very addicted.

We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite

Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

My sister went through the old pictures the other day, and almost all of them were hilarious. Oh the weird fashion in the 90s; disasterous. God, back then my mum went around in shorts and some polka dot shirt(which she still goes around in by the way.)

And found some fun pictures of my cousins and I. Ah, how far we've grown. I haven't spoken informally to my cousins since we were kids. I don't know what happened to all of us. Probably someone psychoed us not to talk to each other.

I was a mentally unstable child, and I'm going to prove it to you. Hahahahaha.


Psycho Killer.
Oh what an unhappy child. I think it's because I got 2 presents and a glue. I had wanted more. Haha. I was 6, by the way.


'GET AWAY BOY, you're stealing my limelight.'
I think after that he ended up in our pudding. Muahahaha. Poor evil boy cousin. lol.


GRRR! Don't touch me I'm a real live wire
WHOAH, I had fangs.

Well I guess these pictures are in view of my humble addiction to Psycho Killer. (wtf, I'm not making sense. But err yeah.)


My childhood bestfriend and cousin. Now, I don't know. =We received crazy makeup that day and I just had to be extra. I guess back then I aspired to be in the chinese opera.

*now goes to sit at the corner of the room and be emo.*

-

I'm bored. Someone save me.


I decided to write about an incident that made me cringe. And it appeared in this month's RYL ezine. I didn't win, though I thought mine was spectacular *coughs*. Damn, I wanted that free RYL bracelet.

(Note: When I self-praise, I actually mean the opposite. You know, sarcasm. Well, fyi, in case you get the idea that I'm one narcissistic bitch.)

My entry:


Hey, that happened while I was in primary 2!

EDIT:

Mum just said to my sister, 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE YOU! I REALLY HATE YOU, DO YOU KNOW THAT?'

Now tell me that my family isn't weird.

Can't she say anything nicer to lift our spirits? Hell, why is everything so depressing? That is a major crush to anyone's self esteem. During the times she claimed me as 'useless' was depressing enough to hinder my progress for the whole of my fucking life, and damn, 'hate' is more harsh. So fucking harsh. Come on man, she's only fucking 11, give her a break. She's immature because she is ONLY 11! Sheesh, for fucks sakes, can't anyone be mature anymore?

yes yes mum, i hate you, though i've never said it to your face.

And my dad yelled back at her. Because she says any fucking thing she wants without thinking of the consenquences. I'm not selfish or sadistic in any way. I've been abused, and I don't want anyone to suffer that. I don't one anyone to end up like me, battling with 'things' throughout your whole childhood and teenhood(wth, I think there is such a term.)

Blah, sometimes I don't know anything anymore man. And it's worse that I'm not doing anything about it, just because I care more about my own ass.


So how do you cope with a family that's haywire and really bitchy?

Resistance.

I think I should be able to deal with this shit for 17 years now. But hell no, why do I live with this same old fucking fear? She isn't going to hit me anymore, because I'm taller and stronger, and because she gets that I'm not going to be any smarter or more brilliant even if she does physically abuses me.

I usually couldn't take it. I would fucking swear and curse and think that that was the end of life and she wasn't going to respect me anymore. I'd put the blame on myself, and die with it.

I hate pain. Emotional abuse.

I hate it.

I found out that wasn't going to help me in any way. I don't want to be affected by abuse or uncaringness. I want to be like everyone. Carefree, mindless, happy.

Oh fuck, I wish.

I don't blame them for it, because they just lack skills in parenting. No one taught them, so I don't blame them at all. I hate them for their simple mindedness.

Hell, fuck you.

But now, my technique is just 'not to think about it so much.' To hell with it, and walk proudly. Yeah, I came home at 10 and I'm fucking proud of it. Mum, I don't care if you're not happy. I just don't fucking care anymore. I'm done with you being uptight and yet not noticing me. You want control. You don't give a flying fuck at all. I'm not sorry I'm not good enough for you. I inherited your genes. Stop yelling at me just because you hate yourself.

I think god is going to send me to hell for this post. I'm fucking sorry.

Now, I need to move on from angstyness.

I went to the Jurong water themepark thingy place with Nadya! I guess it was kind of 'spoil', cause people dropped out last minute. Lol happy happy, then have to drop the bomb. That Azhairul la, found out only us going, then he changed his mind. Then Zakiyyah the organiser cannot come also. Bagus.

In the end, me and Nadya went, in the evening. It was fun, nonetheless. I'm just so tired and sleepy and pissed off right now. Woot. I need to do that again! Next time remembering my waterproof camera. Haha, lucky no guys came with us. Cause we were very sexy ah. LOL.

And found out that Nadya had the same opinions as mine. So we had TONS of stuff to talk about. And I ate KFC and finished everything! (ugh, but wooot at the same time.) The mrt ride home was interesting too.

Only that my mum was being really bitchy as usual and sent me sms-es with exclaimation marks everywhere. When I got home, she bitched at me. Well, I don't really expect anything much from her. It's always negativity and yelling. Can't she at least be like other mothers for godsakes. I don't drink or smoke, and that's good enough already.

Meh.

Still, I had fun. mustdoitagain, and monday watch movie. *squee*

signing off,
Raf.
Yes, I'm fully aware that this ending is abrupt.


Couldn't resist to give you a peek.

My first coloured portrait piece, unfinished. Only the face and neck. No reference picture used.



I find it hard not to have a reference picture, since he needs wings. But I'll try not to screw it up.

By the way, this is a male. I know, he looks a little feminine. But he is a faery, pure, beautiful and all that stuff. Look out for his adam's apple.

I don't know when I'll finish this, but I reckon not so soon.


I changed my blog layout. It is Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf in The Hours. The sidebar is screwed, yes I know. I put a tag board in it; which is redundant of course, I don't think anyone reads this blog anyway. Hey, still, I'm really friendly, I'll link you if you want to. lol.

Haha last night on msn I was sniggering away. Nadya knows my deepest secret. LOL. *coughs*

Woot. Hell yea, Lukas Rossi is Supernova now. He is freaking awesome, and deserves it. Though, I wanted Toby to win, because as Toby said, '(he's) taller.' Anyhows, it was great. Ryan sang 'Back of your Car' again last night. It's all good.

I think I need to write about my trip again, in case I start losing those precious memories. Well I wrote this yesterday, but had to stop because everyone went to bed, and I freaked out so I ran to my room. Err, yea, I'm a bastard, like that.

And I need to stop cursing. It's not really nice.

Day 3

So in the morning, had breakfast, set off again, and the bus ride was an hour's journey. Woot I didn't fall asleep inside the bus at all! I'm awesome. We reached the jetty, where we had to take a boat to Bako National Park. I got seperated from Nadya unfortunately. The lifevests reeked like hell, and the boat seats were hot and were burning our buttocks. Boat ride's are always fun, I guess. The last time I rode in one was when I was 10 at Sibu Island, and the kids in the boat screamed and wept, because hell, it was terrifying. But this one wasn't too bad at all. Getting out of the boat was scary though, even if the water was knee length, because it was rocking.

And from there we took a long and arduos journey to the place, through muddy sands and small icky crabs and stupid holes, and 'crab shit' as jonathan called it. I fell into a few holes, but not as much as Jonathan lol.

When we reached the office place there was this HUGE wild boar. (Due to I guess the same picture in numerous blogs, I'll remove it. Nyahaha.)
That's one hairy fuck.

We went trekking, and there were a lot of mosquitos. It's like, if you're carrying a black bag, more than 10 of them can be found hovering over it. I wore pink, so I'm okay. They crept under my pants though, I got stung.

And oh I had a butt ache at the same time. It's stupid, I had cramps at the wrong places. The kayaking should've given my back ache or something, but no, the butt's the victim. And Bako isn't like macritchie. It's up and down and slippery, and I can't balance for nuts. I should've fallen, but I didn't.

We saw the pyboses(sp?) monkey, which had the white underwear. Uh, cute.

And I'm not going to make that book flash thingy because I'm not a computer whiz so I'm just going to flood this page with pictures. Sorry, kthxbye.


Me and nadya.


Woo, this is one rocking picture.

Puteri Santubong was cursed into a mountain, and I got a shot of her. Poor lady.
(Well, obviously, it's only a legend.)


Went back to the resort to prepare for the gala night. And we still had to get ready for our item. We wanted to make sort of like a video clip with Daniel Powter's Bad Day. So we rehearsed one time, and Farid was hilarious. I couldn't act properly.

Me and Nadya went back, and I was scared I would look too formal, because I brought high heels for the gala night. And indeed! I was the only person in heels. Haha attention is good.

Shot more pictures at the lobby.
(grr, I'm sorry, I have nothing witty to say here. My sec 1 teacher used to say 'pictures speak a thousand words.')
Hey come on, they're real smiles!




Anyways, that's us at dinner. Haha totally hate myself.


Finally! I'm crowned QUEEN!

Because the venue for the gala night was screwed, we had to move elsewhere for performances. The groups skits were funny shit. I think our group's was not bad, and I managed to explain our group banner(I was totally looking dorky and disgusting.)

Lol I won a lucky draw, and they called our admin number, and no one went up. It turned out to be me. Hahaha, how embarassing. Got a shirt anyway, the president's challenge one.

After that we had candlelight war. They were totally crazy, setting the game at the pitch black basketball court. I felt that place was haunting. I'm my father's daughter, so I've got sensory abilities. So yeah, no third eye though, but sometimes I can see. There were a lot of things there. I felt surrounded, and suffocated. I looked into the trees and saw greyish things moving about. It was obvious that that place was really rough, heavy. I can't understand why people couldn't feel it. lol.

Anyways, I was running around in my high heels, almost burnt my clothes, and constantly aware that a lot of things were watching us.

Our group lost, and we also were told to stop. So we went back to the lobby. That game was fun. Loved it a lot.

Blah, in the end, we agreed to play in my room. Someone prank called us. Sounded like Syukri. We prank called Wayne and made him angry. Lol and us girls were gossiping about the boys and laughing a lot. Woo anyway, they came down to our room.

We played cards, and there was something in our room. In front of the doorway, moving here and there. I felt it creep up behind me, turned around, no one was there. Saw this white thing move about, looked at it, it flashed past, and was gone. I was freaking out, but told no one. The white thing was there watching us from the doorway. I think by the time it was 5, it went elsewhere.

Yeah and my frameless specs was screwed up because of the violent game. =
The card games were fun. Lol, until we got bored, I was freaking out already. They started telling ghost story. What the fuck, there was the thing in our room and err, you're telling stories. They switched off the lights, I got scared. Stupid. Wei Xiong fled, because he was freaked out enough.


Haha, this picture is classic. We were in the pilates position for 15 seconds. Hence the constipated face.

I was scared the guys would leave, and leave me and nadya with the thing. Scary.

So we watched 'she's the man' again, and got really bored, and people started snoring. Nadya slept first, lol. Zakiah disappeared, and the guys called their rooms and no one answered. After I came back from the loo, 3 guys were on my bed with my pillow and some were sleeping on the floor. I was quite sad, because last night, I couldn't sleep on my bed at all.

Fucking miserable. I wanted to watch the sunrise or walk around. I took a small portion of nadya's bed and lay down. Couldn't close my eyes, because the guys were snoring loudly. I pitied wayne because he slept in between 2 snoring monsters. Haha it was like a snoring orchestra.

Lol they slept at 5.30, and I was awake most of the time. 6.15, woke them up, and they wouldn't wake up. 6.30, still didn't want to wake up. Wayne woke up and went back to sleep. Lol I went to Mahera's room and called her in and she just looked at them and laughed. They looked really funny when their asleep. Lol.

So from 6.30-7.00, I was on Nadya's bed, looking at them. Finally super Wayne woke all of them up.

I totally forgot about the thing in our room and went to have a bath.

Now I guess Day 4 starts here.

I was tired as fuck. Breakfast was shit as usual, I took a muffin and almost puked. Made some coffee but it was too bitter, made some tea and it was too sweet.

A fly drowned in Mahera's juice, so I added some coffee into it, and some tea. This was when it started lol. Zakiah added some muffin in it, and someone put baked bean sauce inside, and tissue paper, and a hot dog. lol. We played the number game, and the loser had to drink this nasty concoction. I never had the chance to lose lol. Hahaha. Judging by everyone's reaction, I suppose it was nasty. Victor liked it, strangely. Lol. The last 2 had to finish half the cup, so Syukri and Victor had to drink the whole lot of it. Yuck.

But during breakfast I laughed the most haha. Wicked game.

Presentations was next, and we did boring stuff, and had to pack. Dad called me and shouted over the phone, asking me why I didn't call and stuff. Blah. It was depressing. I didn't want to leave Sarawak, because when I was there I didn't think about how ugly I looked, or what people thought of me, or about mum or dad, I didn't have to think about life.

We took the last pictures, with Mahera standing on the bed with her shoes. My luggage was too heavy that I couldn't even pull it. Haha thank god for Zakiah, or I wouldn't know what to do. I need to build up muscles and go to the gym. Sigh.


Err yeah, totally love this shot.

So at the lobby we took a lot of pictures. Gah, again, I don't know how to put things in words.


The mak nenek pose.

Err yeah, I don't have a lot of pictures, and I stole Nadya's. lol. Might as well see them from her blog right.

Slept a bit on the bus. CK and Yus were making lots of noise.


Ugh, I'm one ugly fuck.

First we went to this bird's nest shop thing. The guys bought tons of stuff, and I bought chocolates, candy and pepper only. Which I kind of regret, because I don't think i'll go to sarawak ever again. Oh yeah, and then I told Zakiah about the white thing in our room last night, and she saw and felt it too. She said it came from her room. Must've followed us from the basketball court.

I bought tongkat ali candy, and for what purpose, I have no idea. I liked the taste, that's all. Haha.

On the bus I told Syukri and Nadia about the white thing, and both of them saw it too. Oh my god, we knew it was there and never told each other.

After that we went to the pottery place. They showed us how this guys made pottery and stuff. Anyways, I bought one vase and once again, I regret it. I should've bought more. Grrr.

We went to Kuching, and was like 'orang jakun'.


There was nothing much at the shopping centre anyway.

At the airport our passports got messed up, so we had more time to take pictures. Took pictures like mad. Well I took a photos with people. *coughs* Haha nyahahahaha. I'm brave. Woo.


I like this photo la.


Aperla kau buat Mahera. Muka slenge. Haha.




Hmm.


The melayus.


Last group 2 photo. =
My ass got groped at the immigration. Haha, whoah, I think I look like a crook that's why.

The plane ride was fun, though my ears were blocked and hurt real bad.

And yadayadayada. Somethings are not meant to be spoken publically, so I'll hush hush.

The flight was so fast, and I was sad when we reached Singapore early.


Lol had to totally put that in. Rah, I wish I looked normal.

Back at the airport, I was worried if my parents fetched me. Because I knew my parents were so going to kill me, plus, they weren't talking to me anymore. Saw them, and they looked angry, and mum had a bitchy face.

Went out of the arrival hall place, and knew this was the end. This was the end to happiness. I was sent back to the world again.

Mum made me pull my own bag. I know, I wish they spoiled me, but dream on Ana. I think I looked pathetic so dad helped me with my luggage.

On the way home I slept in the car and had nightmares. Whoah, on the road I kept seeing heads and stuff. Went home, and back to my novels and being a no-lifer. I need a fucking life, seriously.

Grah, can't believe I can't write a good ending. Like seriously, I took the whole day to write this. And it's all monotonous.




Just don't mind me, I'm feeling rather emo and doing the last thing I would ever do- listening to mychemicalromance with very emo hair. Brr, fuck it's cold now. I have just woken up from my much needed afternoon sleep, and it feels like I've just wasted a day. Tsk tsk, the moral of the story is to sleep and not play cards at night.

Hey I'm back to society, back to the real world. Back to nagging mothers and unconcerned fathers, back to sadness and soberity. Hello routine, you are here again.

Despite feeling fucked up most of the time, I had a great time. Hey fuck, minus the tiredness and itchyness and the inability to communicate for some stupid reason, hey I had fun. I adopted a new speaking habit, for example, most things must end with 'sia'. Ehm like, 'Then do what sia.' And I guess I enhanced my broken english even more. And spoke more malay. Ah that is a good thing because I don't have to follow the tyranny of english, like past tense, present and blah blah blah. I've been too uptight, correcting everyone. So now, it's just fuck it, broken english is just as awesome. And I never thought I'd say this, but shit, I miss speaking in Malay. No malay people to speak to in school sia.

My self-esteem increased. I can't say it's incredible. I've relatively changed in a huge way, but not enough to have me as outspoken and happy as other people. Have I found my confidence? Probably. It's somewhere there. I can speak publically (though I'm aware I sound like a moron most of the time.) and uh, take pictures with random people I don't know much about. Well uh, I also like them I guess, that's why. Hahaha. (Well I guess if MM guys can look at BE girls, MM girls can look at MM and BE people too right.)

We didn't have much chance to flaunt our group flag. It's fucking awesome; what a pity.



I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered I have lost weight. Not suprising really, I expected to lose much more. But shit happens. I just have to eat less and work more. I didn't eat much throughout the whole camp because my appetite somehow ceased and I got full so easily. But I was still a glutton, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner eventhough a little. I ate quite a lot during gala night and yesterday's dinner.

Now if you don't mind, I want to reminisce and extend this entry and bore you to death. It's my blog, and I can.

Day One was okay. 4 am in the morning, I woke up, but stayed in my room because I was scared to go out. Lol. So I was running around the house at 5 packing last minute things and got nagged by mother. She was incredibly bitchy. She didn’t say goodbye to me, the last thing she said before I went inside the airport was cold and mean. Hell fuck, she doesn’t trust me at all. And for fucks sake I’m 17, not fucking 10 and I have a fucking brain.


On the plane. yay. Me and my stupid face.

Okay, pleasant journey, appetite was gone, so I gave my burrito thing to someone else. For the whole day my appetite was screwed and didn’t eat much. YAY. I think it’s because there were boys around, and I happen not to have appetite around them. Uh, I felt fat and undeserving to eat I guess? Probably not, because I was genuinely full and fucked up. Food makes me fucked up. Throughout the whole flight I was on high tide. I'm just not friends with water; they make me pee too much. =
That cultural house thing was great. Hell, I didn’t take much pictures, I felt so stupid and ugly and morbidly obese. Ha. And it was troublesome to climb up the unusual steps. I felt quite queasy entering some of the houses.



Blah, sometimes I think pictures speak a thousand words but I'm so lazy to resize and upload it on photobucket.

The resort was just awesome. It's more comfortable than my bed, and I miss it so right now.

We had workshops every night and it was tiring. Most of the time I was disoriented and not able to think properly. I'm a bad leader. Most of the time I felt like I was under false pretences. MFL saying I was good and stuff. I'm not good, I'm fucking bad and miserable. I feel so fucking miserable not being able to lead. Others do things, I sit there and say nothing. I guess I'm just a follower. I don't know. I feel like a screw up most of the time. No, not feel, I am a fucking screw up.

Am I genuinely depressed, or is it just this James Blunt's song that is making me feel so?

Day Two we had kayaking and raft building. Raft building was depressing. Very depressing. I hated it. I thought the idea for the raft was stupid and it wasn't going to work. People were just brazen like fuck to listen to me. My physics just happen to be 'excellent' and I happen to know about resistance and center of gravity and such. Anyways, group 2 got seperated and I had to join the BE people. Yes, it was depressing fuck, to work with people you scarcely know. And the design for the raft was obviously bullshit, in my mind. The instructors said it wouldn't work, so another HAH. Told you fucking so. I hate it when people don't listen to my ideas and especially when I happen to be right in the end. Pffft.

During the capsize drill for the kayak thingy, Wayne and I saw a jelly fish, or was it an octopus? Well it was one of them alright. Wayne freaked out and swam faster. Lol scary shit. It was brown and shiny. Wayne says the darker it is, the more poisonous.

We kayaked in the rain, and the sea was scary and my kayak was more unstable. I had to stone there and balance, or else it would capsize. We capsized anyway, while I escaped the kayak. Well Yus did capsize, not me. Haha. Before that we had to gather in the middle of the sea and stand on the kayak. I was at the end, so I had only Victor to hold on to. And also, I had to peddle to steer all of them to rotate. Wow. Excellent, I was working my arms a lot.

At dinner we needed to 'cook' something in a bamboo pole. Mixing the chicken was disgusting.



While waiting for the thing to cook we took more pictures.



-

I'm tired and sleepy. More tommorow, maybe.


I’m so fucking tired. But I need to update.

I went to Mustafa (all the way to Farrer Park for gloves!) and everywhere else, and the mrt journey was uncomfortable. When I went back, it was a lot worse.

There was this old man (not really old, but pervy old.) who came to sit next to me. And he spread out his legs, and leaned towards me, purposely. I kept squeezing myself against the glass, but he kept pushing himself towards me. From Dhoby Ghaut to Woodlands, I was sardined. And it was uncomfortable, because for fucks sake, his thighs were rubbing against mine! EW. FUCK. Maybe I thought his balls were too huge that he couldn’t sit properly, but when I reached Woodlands, I got up, and he slid to my seat straightway. Like pushing me, and he said rather pervertically , ‘Goodbye, sayang.’ (Malay for ‘goodbye darling.’) I was fucking muffed.

Throughout the whole fucking ride I was annoyed as fuck and he comes whispering to my ear. Can anything be more disgusting? And hey fuck, he followed me. I was scared shit. So I went into Causeway Point and lost him after walking like really really fast.

Stupid fuck.

I’m like the old men magnet. I’ve noticed that old men say hello to me and wave at me and ask where I’m going and stuff. And like kacau. Stupid fuckers. Ewwwwww. Go to Batam! Yuck yuck yuck yuck. And lol why can’t I be a young men magnet? Like ugh, at least they are less disgusting.

Anyways, I got a water bottle from Mustafa. Lol. And a laptop case from CP. What a waste of time. And meeting a potential rapist.

I need to get it off my head. God, ew. It’s disgusting.


I so miss typing like this:

And then I went to *insertplacehere*!!!
OMGOMGOMGGGGGGGGG YAYYYYYYYYYYYY *someone's name, preferabllly guy*!
*rolls eyes*
_______________-*and some weird lines and underscores*
No boys in Cedar!!!
-end

Uh. Ummmm okay. That is not comprehensible. A hard passage to decipher indeed. It's just unfortunate that I used to write like that when I was 14? So phew, OMFG Ana is 17 and I can't believe itttt. Not as emo, but probably more manic depressive, likes to spoil and break things and other stuff.

So yesterday my sister told me Steve Irwin passed away. I was really really sad and shocked. Because I watched him for years since I was a kid and he was awesome, and I never thought he could die, like immortal crocodile man. And I recorded his movie (because David was in it). RIP Steve Irwin, you are a legend. =(

Moving on now(Shit I'm so insensitive, hell I'm sad too but I am perky as well), I don't have enough pants for the camp. And I bought a maternity shirt!!! YAYYY, because I'm fat like that. Can't find gloves, because all shops are fucked up and they only sell gloves for winter(UGH) and I didn't buy socks, or sandals, or a lot of other things. All I got were 6 pantyhose and I don't know what the fuck or why the fuck I bought them, a Kappa sling bag(cause I'm cheapskate, like that.), Maternity tops(Yay for maternity! And no wonder the neckline was hugeeee, I could look really sexy wearing those. lol) A pair of jeans. (that is tight. UGHHHHHHH FUCKKK.)

I'm fat i'm fat i'm fatttttt I fucking hate that. Need to lose weight more rapidly. I need to jog. Later.

Yayyy I can't wait to go to Sarawak. 2 days left. And I need to buy more pants.

I don't know what to wear for gala night. Uhm prom dress that I chucked in my cupboard because Ididn't wear it last year? Or hmmm a maternity shirt? God, I'm fucked. Fat and hopeless, I'm going to look disasterous. Plus, my paintbrushes are missing(unrelated, totally, had to put that in.)

I need to go lose weight now. Bye!


Okay, I'm not lying. I think I'm happy.

Woot.

Happy happy happy happy.


God, everyone else's blog seems to be really interesting and happy. Can I just fucking lie and pretend to be Barbie with numerous 'lol's after every sentance? It seems easy. Not for me though. I tend to be brutally honest about my life. It's like a cry for help but I don't want attention or help. I want to be mangled in the fucking mud. I don't like to pretend in blogs and journals that I'm in perfect condition, comfortable about my weight and my face.

I hate people telling me that I look okay, and 'not-so-fat'. Fucking shut up, because you don't have to please me. I am fat, and I hate my fucking body. Indeed, my view of perfection is distorted, and I don't see what you see in the mirror.

I'm not telling the complete truth here. I hate a lot of things. The world is fucked up.

I think I need to be nice.

Probably I'll post later in a seperate entry, a totally and completely new Ana, the fake one of course, missing the details.

So long.