God fucking damn it, do you know what? I shitting fucking hate everyone. I know it sounds so angst. I'm angsty, like that. So fuck off.

I hate fucking lying down waiting for someone to fucking save me. God dammit no one bothers to okay? No one bothers if I'm alright, no one cares if I'm fucking shit, no one cares if I fucking die. Now don't motherfucking say that you care, whatever shit, because the truth is, you don't care, and no one does.

I hate my fucking self, I hate not fucking having friends. I hate happy people. I hate the fact why I can't be like them. I shitting fucking hate why the fuck I don't feel good about myself. I fucking hate too much, and I'm so tired already.

So just fucking tell me, what the fuck am I here for? So you can just fuck off with your friends and make me so fucking miserable? How come no one asks me if I'm alright, if I'm good? Why do you always fucking talk about your goddamn boring immature things?

Oh my god. Oh my god. I guess it is ironic that I'm typing god's name and saying all the fucking shit words throughout this whole post. But fucksakes, I can only express anger is vulgarity. Because my mouth is foul, like that.

Just fucking quit trying to make me wake up. I am awake. I have been awake in this fucking pit all my life. It makes me even more of a hypocrite because I fucking despise anyone who doesn't help themselves. I tried. I failed. I can't.

I'm dead already.


you are ugly. I don't like you.


lol, no I'm not better, but I just felt like updating.

Me: Ahhh I want to learn sword fighting. And I don't mind being virgin forever.
Faye: LOL.

Okay, randomness.

Everyone, please vote for Ryan Star on rockstar.msn.com
He is fucking amazing.


I know what it's like to want to die.
How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside
to kill the thing on the inside.
-Susanna. Girl, Interrupted.

You know, when you think deeply all the time, everything becomes so shallow. For example, this quote, if I were 14, I would have loved it, and used it every single fucking day.

Of course I fucking know what it's like to die. Not the kind of 'I've got so much homework, and oh god srsly, I feel like dying!' Homework makes you want to kill yourself? Get over it. But do you know, what it's like to want to die?

I know I'm not alone. I'm not the only one thinking about ending it every single fucking day. I'm not the only one thinking how fucked up it is to die when you haven't done enough. I'm not the only one who knows how it hurts so much.

How much it hurts to pretend. How much it hurts not having anyone to talk to. How much it hurts when no one understands.

I know.

So kids, I don't know when I would update this blog again, in case anyone cares. I have been falling into the pit, yet again, and I don't think I'll get better. Maybe someday, when I'm insane enough to enter a mental institution. Anything else, I have a livejournal which is obviously not useful to you.

I just don't want to tell you anything anymore. To your eyes, I am always happy because of this fucking mask I put on. I am a fucking clown, and I will always be happy. Forget this entry ever existed. If I want to be sad, I'll do it in my livejournal.

Till then, when I get better. I don't want you to know me. Because I shouldn't expect anything good from the fucking world of normal people.


Wow oh wow. Back then I could update my journal 2-3 times a day, and now I can't. I feel like I am not living anymore. Life goes on around me and it's as though I am standing on the sideline watching one big movie, a life I was never meant to be in. This is someone else's world, not mine. In my life, I would have roses every single fucking day.

But hey, life goes on, and no one would give a shit to help me catch up. No one gives a shit if I didn't have roses. I have to go on and crawl in the mud if I have to, because the world doesn't revolve around me. There are things that needs to be done, but I'm always lying down on my side, watching the dark clouds rolling by, smelling the rain and fearing everything in sight.

If there is one day, and one day I could cherish wishing I could be alive forever, I would do anything just to have that one day. One day at all, and I don't care if I die after that. I would like one day that I would have roses and feel happiness, knowing that I deserve to be happy, knowing that I deserve to be standing up, breathing. If there is one day I could be unafraid, I would've conquered everything.

Everything now is so routine that I have nothing at all to update about. It's like I have been reduced to a dry pulp and I have nothing left to say. I have nothing good that happens in one day. It feels like shit at the moment watching things pass by and you wish you could be part of it. But you can't. There are walls everywhere, and bars that keep you from making the step outside, to walk into the sun again. Just when I thought I found freedom, I find myself imprisoned.

It's like that phrase in Hotel California, 'You can check-out everytime you like, but you can never leave'. It's just this thing, that binds itself to you. Just grows on you, and loves you and doesn't leave you. Everywhere you try to escape it hovers over you, clutching on to your sleeves, always, reminding you that it is always there. You try to push it away, and it blows out all the torches until you cannot see the exit anymore. Then it laughs. And then you realise you might not escape this place, because this is the only place where you would be accepted.


I am possibly mad. Or, going to go mad, and finally lose myself.

I am stuck with my writing. I have the plot, I have the outcome. I have written days and days, consumed in my depressing fantasies. And I finally cannot find the words to write. I feel as though I have exhausted myself. So hollow and empty, I feel like a scarecrow.

Words and words I have desperately cancelled and I wonder if these sleepless nights are worth it. I want to write this. I want to convey myself.

But I am so tired of my incessant droning and depressing vocabulary. I have set the poet to ask for death, but it is only the beginning of the story. I cannot do that. It is so abrupt and rude.

I think I need to rest, before I actually die from this malady.


Oh no I've said too much.

I'm hooked onto R.E.M's Losing My Religion. Damn it Ryan why did you sing it so well.

I slept with monsters last night. With dead bodies floating in a stagnant river. I hate it. I hate today. I hate every fucking moment of my life. There was something in this dream too, saying that boredom actually causes someone to be depressed. I woke up because I had to pee, just before dead nicole kidman with her mouth stiched up and her hollow eyes could get me. Wow. Phew. Hello pee pee. Thank you.

That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion... *hums* I've been listening to the song for an hour, set to repeat mode. OhmyGod. And plus I have been doing Phil's little dance and head tossing. OhmyGod I so fucking rock. Haha not.

Ok fuck. Fuck. FUCKKKK. I have nothing good to say really. I had a lot of things to write, but I've forgotten. And I probably won't say it over here since the public is so critical.

Now I've said too much.