I had a nosebleed at midnight last night. Oh perfect. I was coughing really badly and then I blew my nose and I saw blood splatters on my bedsheet. Then my hands were like covered in blood as if I murdered someone. It was dark blood, and was thick. Wow, my 2nd nosebleed in 2 weeks. I think something is wrong. Mum says I need to get checked, just to make sure. It lasted for like 30 minutes and I don't even know how to deal with nosebleeds and my clever sister said I should lean back. Yeah hell, good idea, I ended up drinking my own blood. But I didn't vomit or anything because I drink blood to live. I'm a Vamp. Like srsly. Oh I panicked and thought I was going to die. I never do have nosebleeds(except when I ODed). I'm just some morbid paraniod person. I was actually excited. I was imagining the possibilities of dying. Oh wow, it was at that moment, I was like, 'wow, I am bleeding, from my fucking nose.' I was excited over all the blood. Weird muchly? I don't get it. I don't get why I should be excited.

I didn't do anything at all today. I made icons in the morning, and rotted in my bedroom doing nothing. Nothing at all. I was pretending to be a rockstar and I put on some eyeliner. Then I lie down, waiting for 5 o'clock to pass. I need a hobby. I need to write, or draw. But I cannot do that without a muse.


I'll even let you watch the shows you wanna see, if you just marry me marry me marry me!

I like Storm because she is awesome on stage, or maybe she is a hot chick and I perve on her. I want to lick her back and have free fucks. Oh my god, I am a total lesbian. Haha well not totally. I don't know, I want to fuck girls. Just fuck, but not feel. Lol. Oh confusion. Faye, I owe you 2 free fucks. Hahaha.

I skipped tutorial today because I wanted to go out and roam the world with Shazzer. I spent money as though it was water. Better luck saving them next time. Got my new glasses and yeah I am fucking awesome. Being fucking awesome is an exhilirating feeling. Except the part when eating comes in.

Shit, I need to sew more skull clothes.


I had a delightful weekend, minus today. HAHAHA. funfunfunfunfun!

Yesterday, I went out to meet Shazzer and Tiara. We had a burger which I wasn't inclined to finish, and Tiara left, so Shazzer and me were left to fend for our poor selves. HAHAHA it was fun shit. I spent 90 bucks on a clutch, slippers, 2 sexy t-shirts and a new pair of glasses. My glasses are going to be amazing, and I can't wait to collect them.

It was so fucking fun and Shazzer didn't change a wee bit and oh I enjoyed my whole damn Saturday. I got a piercing on my tongue(thanks to my brilliant sharp canine tooth.), we took a free shot for the project Singapore is doing for some business thingy, and we bitched about metals bands that I secretly fancied. The guitars only though, not the singing. They were incredibly fake and paul twohill looking.

Saturday night, it was back to being no life-rs. Damn it. Today is boring, and I need to finish my CD worksheet, skipped religious classes because they were being so incredibly anti-gays, exercise, and eat lesser and lesser.


It sickens me that people start liking Johnny Depp after his successful role as Jack Sparrow. It’s annoying really, people going ‘WHOO AHHH EHHHH JOHNNY-WHAT’S-HIS-NAME? John Sparrow?’ You fucking annoy me do you know that? I will proudly declare myself a Johnny Depp fan since I was 6. I watched Edward Scissorhands at that age, and I am very much in love with him. I tried getting rid of him from my mind for a while, secretly wishing I was married to him. Truth is out now. I’m a pervy horny girl and I fantasise about Mr Depp, who is indeed old enough to be my father’s older brother.

I am very much outraged and angered by the appalling accusation thrown at *us* on Friday. As you might have guessed, my weekend was hell, with unhealthy food shoved at my face, and that accusation playing over and over in my mind. I am suggesting an e-mail because I don’t have guts to talk face to face. Yes cruel humankind, throw rocks at me as you wish, for my guts are like rotten fish. I was depressed during the weekend, as I’ve expected, and being an SI-er for close to 11 years, I did what SI-ers do. So much for 10 months of SI-free eh, I blew it.

So much for being a saint. My halo has broken into pieces. My purity snatched away by God. I wonder if this is a chance for me to stand up again. Or is it just a cruel damnation. All my life I believed that I was damned for eternity, and my days black and lifeless. I suppose the second option seems convincing enough. Maybe the light isn’t for me. Lo! All the lies I sang to myself. There is no such thing as ‘the light’, and ‘happiness’ is just a manmade word. I could go on living like this, and I find it perfectly fine that I am hurting myself while others know nothing of it. I don’t want them to care anyway. They would never understand.

There should be more to life, or not. I am turning seventeen in 2 days, but it is as though I have lived for 700 years without friend or companion. It is a sad life, I will not deny that. My life is filled with constant crash diets, compulsive exercising, my lord internet and the lady of knitting. You see, here is the pathetic piece to it- nothing. There is nothing exciting about it. It’s always depression being my faithful master, and the absolute boredom of routine. There were times I thought about making a new life for myself, becoming a brand new pure person. Hah, a lie I fed so desperately to myself. I know I can never be someone new. I’m always this sinner, marked by scars and my rotten personality, set for eternal damnation. Why do fools fly? Fools fly because they cannot run away from their lives. They fly to their death because they are fools to believe they could fly.

I am a fool to believe I could be a butterfly, evolving into something better and prettier. But no, I’m just a spider, spinning my intricate web of lies.


Go fuck yourself shits of this heartless world. I will not make any effort ever to prove myself worthy.


It is Wednesday afternoon and the sun is being generous with its light. It isn’t too hot, well I guess the sun decided to be nice today. Today is a good day.

I’ve set up my laptop on my dressing table, gladly accompanied by cosmetics, infinity bottles of pimple cream, a Gillette shaver, perfume bottles and other things. I’ve never sat on this chair before. It is soft and lumpy, and just big enough to accommodate my wobbly bottom. The table here is so messy, but I care not. I don’t care about a lot of things.

I can hear crickets and little sparrows chirping outside. I don’t know if it’s like this everyday; I’ve never sat beside the window before. Today is different. Today I’m at my dressing table beside my window. Today I will let the sun touch my skin. Today I will listen to the orchestra of birds and crickets. Today I will love the wind and not care how it messes up my hair. Today I feel good, and it is all that matters.

I’ve just finished watching Under The Tuscan Sun. It hit close to home.

The way my life is going, I am in danger of never recovering. If I keep blaming myself over things, I am never going to change, and my life will never change. I will still be the old boring person who lives in an old cardboard box, wearing giant knickers and utterly heartbroken. I don’t want to die being eaten by cockroaches.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

All my life I’ve been trying to grow up. I don’t want to grow up this fast. I don’t remember myself being a child. I’d like to be able to climb trees and eat ice-cream and not care if I look stupid. Just trying not to look stupid is taking up much of my time, and I know I could’ve done so many things if I used that time spending on caring whether I look stupid or not, on other things. I would like to climb a tree, run naked in a waddling pool, or catch ladybugs, without have the fear of looking stupid.

Everybody’s moved on, and I am still here. It is frustrating to walk on and on, but finding yourself in the same spot again. I’ve been here before. I’ve been so high that I felt that I could fly. I’ve felt this good and written this speech over and over again. But usually the next day I would feel low again, as if this depression has taken hold of me and I cannot escape from it. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to walk that dark and lonely road again.

Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present.

There are thoughts that have been lingering, something like, ‘If I never did this, then I wouldn’t be…’, ‘You know, I shouldn’t have done that,’ and ‘I could’ve been/done…’

I mean, who cares shit about that? I don’t have to care about what I should’ve done and what I shouldn’t have done. Hey, I did it, it’s sad, and then it is over, so I have to move on. What I’m currently doing is blaming myself over a lot of things and saying horrible things to myself like, ‘If I didn’t eat so much, I wouldn’t be like this’ and ‘if I knew friendship, I wouldn’t be so lonely all the time,’ and ‘Ana, you are so ugly, you really need to die.’

I am typing this while tearing off a wrapper of a bar of chocolate with my teeth. I shouldn’t have to care about what I put in my mouth. A bar of chocolate wouldn’t kill me. I don’t have to weigh myself 10 times a day to see if I’ve dropped any kilos. It’s a hard thing to tell myself that, and it takes a lot of effort to believe. I am worth it, so says my brain, but my heart says I am not. I feel like trash, worthless and unredeemable. You know, I would say, I wish I could change that inner voice, and I want to change that inner voice, but never, I WILL change that inner voice. And even if I said I WILL, I wouldn’t do it. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m actually afraid of the sun, but I’ll take my chances today.

I think, Alexander said, ‘Conquer your fear, and I promise you'll conquer death.’ I suppose if you conquer your own fears, you can conquer everything. I’m afraid of so many things, I might have to make a list and strike them off one by one.

Everyone says friends are the greatest thing you could ever have. But I am a loner, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have friends that are true to me. I know some of you who read this will revolt and confront me with anger, saying, ‘I am your friend.’ Well then, I don’t believe you. (I’m referring to friends, as in friends that actually live in my country. )

I don’t go out much because I am pathetic and I don’t have friends. No, I am not pathetic. It’s just sad that people wasted their time getting to know me, and settling off for someone ‘better’. Well I don’t care anyway. I gladly open my arms to those who have left me in my darkest times to die, only to care about me until I become happy again.

Just to let you know my current situation right now, I am fat and ugly, I am very unhappy, I am starving to death(not literally, because I have enough fat to sustain me for another gazillion Godzilla years) ,because there is actually nothing healthy to eat around here, I hate myself, and I am going to die a mad and terrible death. But I am going to change that, and I will change. I don’t enjoy being a victim of my own mockery. I will not be an empty shell, so hollow and hopeless. I know there can be something more.

And so here end this speech. The light of the sun is fading, covered by the dark clouds that dominate the blue sky. It is a sign that despair should come to destroy me again, but I will not let it. Today I feel happy, and it is all that matters.


Saturday, 1-07
1100 hrs

A battalion of ants swarm the entire village, stealing food and tormenting the children. What an ugly sight. They had invented a new suit of armour and their humongous black bodies ensured they were fit soldiers. Women and children cry for help. The men are stomping desperately, fighting for their lives. Mad, mad! The village is in a state of sheer madness.

The commander gathered our troops. War has been declared. Humanity vs. EvilCreaturesWhichWillNotBeNamed(ECWWNBN). Oh, the horrifying destruction of humanity.

“FIGHT!” our soldiers yell amongst the sounds of distorted screaming and pleas of help. Kicking, crying, screaming. Much blood has been shed due to excessive scratching. These ants bite.

Nasty buggers. I’ll kill all of you warmongering feisty intruders. Get away from my land, my home. AR! Save the women and children.

By chance they must have mutated, to have grown so big, and they endured the gas that we prescribed to them. We need a higher concentration of gas. Yes, yes! Bring on the poison! Deadly.

Death to ECWWNBN!

1200 hrs

The ground is littered with black bodies, their skinny legs twitching helplessly above their bodies. Death looms above them. Hahahaha. Victory for the humankind.

1230 hrs
The Notebook ridded me of my exhaustion. Must write to dear Keeper. Must…kiss…Keeper…now.

Sunday, 2-07
0100 hrs

The Portugese successfully brought down the English troops. Happy?

HELL YES.

1000 hrs

Missing LB terribly. I wish I could write to Vicky, but will not. She would probably reply with ‘yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah…’ and shipping would probably be expensive because she can‘t shut up.

Keep seeing Keeper every time I march pass a palm tree. It’s the cold-turkey Keeper treatment for me. War is such a cunt. Wish ECWWNBN would stop attacking us.

1030 hrs

Our troops is being attacked by ECWWNBN again. This time it is a HUGE pale coloured lizard. It eats up 5 men. I collapse on the battlefield. The ugliness and ickyness of ECWWNBN sends me to first aid.

1700 hrs

ECWWNBN sneaks into the headquarters. A spy!

I sprayed it with harmless water and it is hiding somewhere.

1944 hrs

Missing Keeper. Wants to go home as soon as possible. Curse ECWWNBN! A pox on them!